Psalm 88: It's Not a Happy Psalm

...but it's all I have strength for today as my hospital stay just 2 week before we move to a new state 9 hours a way stretches into it's 4th very long day,and I have to forget about visiting my 93-year-old Grandmother and my only daughter's namesake one last time before we leave. So, I am likewise not happy. Here is how I am feeling. Here is how a lot God's people are feeling. 

Psalm 88

O LORD, God of my salvation;
     I cry out day and night before you.
Let my prayer come before you;
     incline your ear to my cry!
For my soul is full of troubles,
     and my life draws near to Sheol.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
     I am a man who has no strength,
like one set loose among the dead,
     like the slain that lie in the grave,
like those whom you remember no more,
     for they are cut off from your hand.
You have put me in the depths of the pit,
     in the regions dark and deep.
Your wrath lies heavy upon me,
     and you overwhelm me with all your waves.

You have caused my companions to shun me; 

     you have made me a horror to them.
I am shut in so that I cannot escape;
     my eye grows dim through sorrow.
Every day I call upon you, O LORD;
     I spread out my hands to you.
Do you work wonders for the dead? 
     Do the departed rise up to praise you?
Is your steadfast love declared in the grave,
     or your faithfulness in Abaddon?
Are your wonders known in the darkness, 
     or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?

But I, O LORD, cry to you;
     in the morning my prayer comes before you.
O LORD, why do you cast my soul away?
      Why do you hide your face from me?
Afflicted and close to death from my youth up,
     I suffer your terrors; I am helpless.
Your wrath has swept over me;
      your dreadful assaults destroy me.
They surround me like a flood all day long;
      they close in on me together.
You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me;
     my companions have become darkness.

See also Psalm 40 & Psalm 73

for those very, nearly unbearable days.

Broken and Nobody Knows

"With a Broken Open Heart"

by Angelika Byczkowski

Once I was whole. No, better
than whole, possibilities

strewn at my feet, choices
all mine for the making.

Then I got sick, and broken.

Now I struggle to fly with broken wings.
Old ambitions and desires
irrelevant, coming down
to earth with new humility.

Always aiming for superlatives,
now grounded with indistinction,
my new insignificance frees me
to fly from the need to be special.

Now I struggle to run with broken legs.
Can’t keep up, can’t catch up,
and the world passes by oblivious
to my desperate thrashing.

All that’s gained is lost
eventually. I jettison years
of accumulation, learn how much
I can do without, pare life down

to bare essentials, and find
the remaining kernel sufficient,
my load much lightened and easy
to swing over obstacles ahead.

Now I struggle to live with a broken spirit.
This, I think, I cannot do. I
languish, lacking spur of vital impulse,
motivation crippled, desire withered.

Paralyzed by apathy, stubborn
hope insists, after broken wings
and broken legs, after the crash
and pain of loss comes possibility

for something new. Anchorless alone
I drift, restrain my swelling panic
at this formless space all around me,
no purchase to be gained on these

feeble clouds, nothing solid to push
either for or against – I struggle only
with myself. And in this void I must trust,
resist the urge to close, and endure

with broken open heart.

Always Wanting More

“I tell you, do not be anxious about your LIFE, what you will EAT or what you will DRINK nor about your BODY, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body MORE than clothing? Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for TOMORROW will be ANXIOUS for itself. Sufficient for the day is its OWN trouble.“ (Matthew 6:25, 34)

*

I wanted a baby SO badly. I watched all my married friends have babies before me, but I was too sick to have one. Pardon the cliche, but it was the definition of heartbreaking. It was agony, trying to be happy for my friends and this new life they'd be given, trying to be happy about being asked to be a Godmother, and trying not to wonder if my inclusion was a little out of pity.

And then, miracles of miracles, I had Josie in 2013. I was over the moon! No words can describe how I felt when she was born healthy, happy, and ornery as can be. And even though I promised myself—I promised God—that I'd be happy with one, if I could just have one, and now...

I want one more.

But the circumstances are the same as they were before: I'm too sick. Again. My friends' babies have brothers and sisters while my baby is alone. My friends get to experience that calmer second child and they get to be the calmer second-time-around parents with clearer memories and more enjoyment of their babies while I feel like mine grew up so fast, I don't even remember her as a baby. And meanwhile, I'm watching my youth slip away, my ability to have children is fading so fast I feel like I'm trying to hold onto a handful of sand that keeps slipping through my fingers no matter what I do. The idea that this—along with everything else—is in God's hands, that this all is part of His divine plan for me and my family (however big it may or may not be) either doesn't occur to me or it just isn't good enough.

There. I said it. I want more than God wants to give me.

Want.

WANT.

WANT!!!

Is that all we humans know how to do? Look at Adam and Eve: the end-all and be-all example of wanting more when you already have everything you need. See how it worked out for them? For us all? And in the same way as they, even though you and I are well aware that we ought to be grateful for what God gives us, we just can't seem to manage it. No matter how many promises we make to ourselves to be satisfied with what we have, we will always want what we don't have.

It's our sinful nature to always want more, so we have to remind ourselves daily—sometimes hourly and at the very least weekly—that our goal here isn't a mansion. It isn't a worry-free retirement, and it isn't perfect health or to live as long as humanly possible, or to have as many kids as we can fit into our childbearing years. It's not to gain an extra special place in heaven, either. Our goal is to love and serve God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit and our neighbor with all that we do, with all that we are, and with all that God has given to us. Why? Because we can. Christ has freed us of the immense load of work God's people had to do in the Old Testament to atone for their sins and given us a free ride to salvation. We are God's children through Christ's perfect gift of Himself.

That is who we ARE regardless of what we HAVE.

Jesus wasn't saying that our lives here are meaningless, and neither am I. He was saying that our salvation doesn't depend on them, and apart from our salvation, what else really matters? So, we thank God for our daily bread although it's not caviar, and maybe buy a loaf or two for the local food bank because some people don't have enough of the things we don't need. We thank God for each new day, painful though we know each day will be, and maybe stop by to visit a sick friend because we know they're hurting too. We ask God to watch over us at night, and should we die under that watchful eye, we look forward to seeing His face because we will, whether we bought those loaves of bread or not because Jesus fed thousands.

And I thank God with every breath for my one kiddo because she is a miracle every bit as much as she is a gift and an answer to years of fervent, desperate and tearful prayers. What is it that I hear on the radio over and over again these days?

"I might only have one match,

but I can make an explosion."

from "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten

God owes us nothing more than to make good on His promise: His gift of salvation through Christ. Not a family—big or small—not good health, not a house, not a job, not money to pay our bills, not prestige, and not a nice car. Be thankful for what you have: you have Christ crucified for you. When those feelings of wanting more than perfection creep in on us, and they inevitably will, PRAY without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Thank God for what you do have and humbly ask Him for what you want (Philippians 4:6). Go to church. Read the Bible. Listen to hymns. Receive the Lord’s Supper, receive forgiveness for wanting more, for doing wrong and for failing to do good, and remind yourself that it's your Baptism in the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit and not your ability to be content in all circumstances that gets you to heaven. In other words, make use of that Gift you have been so freely given and welcome the peace that follows.

*

Suggested verse to repeat if it's a difficult day is 1 John 4:19

"We love because He first loved us."

*

“Finally, brothers, whatever is TRUE, whatever is HONORABLE, whatever is JUST, whatever is PURE, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is COMMENDABLE, if there is any EXCELLENCE, if there is anything WORTHY of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received & heard & seen in Me—practice these things, & the God of PEACE will be with you.“ (Philippians 4:8-9)

She Has Been There

Anne Bronte penned this poem as if it comes from my own heart. Using elegant rhyme and rhythm, Bronte grieves for a life that was lost, asks to be kept away from the temptations her suffering leads her to, prays that her suffering is not meaningless, and asks for God to give her some way to serve Him even in her infirmity. But above all things, she asserts and reasserts that God is God, that He alone is in control of what happens to her, both the good and the bad, and that He is still good despite having allowed all the bad to happen. I read it on the days when I struggle to do the same. Please, take a moment and read it now.

"Last Lines"

by Anne Bronte

I hoped, that with the brave and strong,

"Breaking Point"
Carmine Monzo

My portioned task might lie;
To toil amid the busy throng,
With purpose pure and high.

But God has fixed another part,
And He has fixed it well;
I said so with my breaking heart,
When first the anguish fell.

A dreadful darkness closes in
On my bewildered mind;
Oh, let me suffer and not sin,
Be tortured, yet resigned.

Shall I wish joy thy blessings share
And not endure their loss?
Or hope the martyr's crown to wear
And cast away the cross?

Thou, God, hast taken our delight,
Our treasured hope away;
Thou bidst us now weep through the night
And sorrow through the day.

These weary hours will not be lost,
These days of misery,
These nights of darkness, anguish-toss'd

Can I but turn to Thee.

"Unmasked Emotion"
Danny Quirk

Weak and weary though I lie,
Crushed with sorrow, worn with pain,
I may lift to Heaven mine eye,
And strive to labour not in vain;

That inward strife against the sins

That ever wait on suffering
To strike whatever first begins:
Each ill that would corruption bring;

That secret labour to sustain
With humble patience every blow;
To gather fortitude from pain,
And hope and holiness from woe.

Thus let me serve Thee from my heart,
Whate'er may be my written fate:
Whether thus early to depart,
Or yet a while to wait.

If thou shouldst bring me back to life,
More humbled I should be;
More wise, more strengthened for the strife,
More apt to lean on Thee.

Should death be standing at the gate,
Thus should I keep my vow;
But, Lord! whatever be my fate,
Oh, let me serve Thee now!

"The Pendulum"

Margarita Georgiadis

It's Enough to Make God Himself Cry

"Now when MaRy came to where Jesus was & saw Him, she FELL at His Feet, saYinG to Him, “LoRD, IF You had been HERE, my brother would not have DieD.” When Jesus SAW her weePinG, & the Jews who had come  with  her  ALSO  weePinG, He was DeePLy moved IN His SPiRiT & greatly TROUBLED. And He SAID, “Where have you laid him?” They said TO HiM, “Lord, come AND see.” >>> Jesus wept. <<< So THE Jews SAID, “SEE how HE LoVeD HIM!” BUT some of them said, “Could not He who opened the eyes of the BLinD man also have kept this man from dying?” (John 11:32-37)

* * *

There is another unwelcome component of chronic illness that we don't like to talk about: SADNESS. I don't even like to talk about it with my doctor, lest he prescribe some anti-depressant (doctors do so want to cure). Don't get me wrong, some people (chronically ill or not) need anti-depressants. I'm not one of those people, and it's not for lack of trying. They do me far more harm than good. Perhaps that's because for me, the cause of my "depression," if you wish to label it as such (I don't know what's in my medical chart), is painfully clear and painfully physical, and to cure the depression without curing the cause just doesn't work for me.

Sadness & depression are two different things, though not dissimilar in the way they might feel. One is a diagnosable and treatable illness, arguably more severe and longer-lasting, and the other is a feeling resulting from something being other than it ought to be. I would argue that's what I feel: sadness due to the fact that my body, and therefore my life and the lives of my family, are other than they ought to be. So, that's what I am going to write about. But if you think you might be suffering from depression, which often results from chronic illness which can make life feel like it's not worth living, please talk to your doctor before it becomes unmanageable. It will become unmanageable, and the consequences may be very severe.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

But getting back to SADNESS… Sometimes I wonder, with all my education and Christianity and whatnot, why am I so bitterly sad at times if I believe in heaven? If I know my salvation is secure? If I truly believe, "that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18)? Am I a bad Christian? Do I doubt Jesus' love? Do I doubt that any of this ever really happened? Sometimes, sure, to a point. I'm not perfect after all, and neither is my faith, no matter how many books I read and prayers I say. But Jesus was (is) perfect, His faith flawless, His belief unaffected by the doubts that plague yours and mine, and yet He felt sadness, too.

Jesus weeping in the agony of grief shows us that we are so bitterly sad

because it simply HURTS. Period.

What's "it"? It is sin. Sin and all its consequences. Death hurts. Sickness hurts. Pain hurts. Life hurts. Living here in this fallen world when we belong in heaven hurts us so powerfully that even with absolute, perfect certainty of the Resurrection of the Dead and the Life of the World to come, even with complete control over life and death, none of us―not even Christ Himself―can help but weep. The fact that Jesus wept at His friend's death gives me enormous comfort. Jesus knew without any shadow of any doubt that in just a few minutes, He would raise Lazarus from the dead. Jesus knew He would talk to His friend again, that Lazarus' family would be with him again, that their pain would end, and still He was moved to the point of tears. And so, we are not sinning when we feel sadness, even though our sadness is not as pure as Christ's was.

We are being human as Christ was being human.

So when my doctor urges me to take medication so that I might feel less sadness, I tell him that until my sickness ends, I ought to feel sad (so long as my sadness doesn't threaten my life) even if I must feel some sadness every day of my life until death. To feel otherwise would be a lie. After all, those of us who've lost someone we love dearly to death, don't we feel sad to some degree everyday that we continue to live without them? Of course we do, because being without them is other than it ought to be: we were created to be eternal. We were created to have perfect bodies. So feel sad, but do not sin. The sadness is temporary. I choose to stand in the pain and the silence of God because I know there is an end. I know there is a sun even if it's not shining.

This, my friends, my fellow-victims, my loves, THIS is what baptism does in the here and now, what time in the Sanctuary of God with His Word and Sacraments gives us. Not only does it assure us a place in heaven, but it gives us the strength to endure hell on earth. Go to church and be renewed. Read the Bible every day, pray without ceasing, and remember God's promise not to necessarily take your sadness away, but to be with you while you are sad. It's not a cure for depression; it's armor to put on. But you do have to go and get it.

* * *

"Finally, BE STRONG in the LORD & in the strength of His MIGHT. Put on the whole armor of God, that YOU may be able to stand against the scHeMes of THE Devil. For we DO NOT wrestle against FLESH & BLOOD, but aGainsT the RuLers, aGainsT the AuTHoRiTies, aGainsT the Cosmic Powers over this present DARkNESS, aGainsT the Spiritual Forces OF Evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, & HavinG DonE ALL, to stanD firm." (Ephesians 6:10-13)